Cats and dogs
by MLaw
Summary: Napoleon and Illya are given an unusual assignment, definitely one to which they're not accustomed Pre-saga


"Oh dear," Alexander Waverly's distress was evident in his voice. "When did this happen Miss Rogers?"

"Just about a half hour ago so. Mr. Waverly I'm so sorry."

"Not to worry dear girl. I'll send Mr. Solo and Mr. Kuryakin to help you with this unfortunate situation." He looked over at his two top agents were seated opposite him at his conference table; they could be spared as the mission was merely a courier pickup. A Section III agent could handle that.

Solo and Kuryakin were there under the assumption they would be briefed for an assignment, but then again things could sometimes become fluid here at the U.N.C.L.E.

"What is it sir, a mad scientist looking to destroy the world?" Napoleon asked.

Not to be outdone, Kuryakin chimed in. "Or a nuclear bomb waiting to be diffused."

"Oh if it were only that simple. Gentlemen as you have surmised, there has been a change of plans," the Old Man turned his full attention to them. "We have a missing agent who needs to be found and brought home." For some reason Waverly cracked a smile at that pronouncement..

Napoleon and Illya looked at each other feeling a bit confused at their boss' reaction. Usually it was a somber affair when an agent was lost.

"Who sir," Solo asked.

It was then Waverly began to chuckle. "I'm sorry young man, it should all be taken rather seriously given the affection everyone here at headquarters had for him."

"Who is it?" Illya repeated.

"Oh, sorry gentlemen. It seems Shpion, our resident cat and mouser, has gone missing."

"The cat?" Napoleon blurted out. "We have to go look for a cat? Wouldn't someone from Section III be better suited…"

"Do you have a problem with doing this Mr. Solo?" Waverly tapped his pipe in the crystal ashtray in front of him.

"No umm, no sir. Where was the cat last seen?"

"At the veterinary clinic on East 52nd Street. Miss Rogers took him there for some vaccinations and he has somehow disappeared. I daren't tell Mrs. Waverly anything has happened to him as she's grown rather fond of the fellow; she's been rather devastated since the passing of our beloved puss, Lucky. * Miss Rogers is waiting there for you at the clinic and you're to continue the search with her. It's a rather large place and the staff hasn't been able to assist very much as there seems to be a run on patients today."

The partners stood, preparing to leave.

"Oh and yes, take Wollman with you...he seems to be quite good at sussing things out. Remarkable pup that one."

Napoleon could see the pained look in Illya's eyes. "Must we sir?"

Waverly's simple and only response was the raising of his bushy eyebrows.

"Yes sir." Illya answered, dejected at the thought of having to deal with a dog. Every since Napoleon brought the stray back from Central Park that fateful snowy day from Wollman rink, the dog has been roaming the halls of headquarters. Though he remained mostly in the Security office and went home at night with Tom Lopaka, the beast still was allowed to wander if it so wished. At least Security was good enough to give the Russian a heads up when the dog was out and about, thanks to Wollman being issued his own ID badge.

The men stepped into the corridor, looking rather perplexed. Solo at having to rescue a cat and Illya at having to come within ten feet of Wollman.

"I'll go get the dog Illya, you can get a car from the motor pool."

"What is wrong with your car?"

"And get dog hair in it...no thanks."

Illya flashed him a snarky look at that remark.

Napoleon arrived with Wollman on a leash at the UNCLE parking garage, and looking around he didn't see his partner anywhere.

A minute later a blue powder blue Volkswagen van came round the corner, stopping in front of him. Illya waved him over.

"Use the side door and sit in the back with him please?"

"You've got to be kidding, really?"

"No I am not. Keep that dog as far away from me as possible."

Napoleon shook his head as he called for Wollman to jump up into the van.

"Come on boy, Mr. Chicken is afraid of you."

"There is no need for name calling. I am not afraid of dogs; I simply do not like them and you know why,"Illya raised his voice ever so slightly.

Wollman growled.

"See tovarisch, you need to improve your attitude as our friend here can smell fear you know and he's sensing your nastiness."

"Knock it off. Number one, he is not my friend and number two I was not being nasty...you were the one who was doing the name calling."

"Tsk tsk. Being a bit childish aren't we?"

Illya said nothing as he hit the gas pedal, pulling out of the garage in a huff as soon as Solo closed the sliding door behind himself.

Traveling via 1st Avenue near the United Nations Plaza and E 49th Street, it would take no more than twelve minutes or so to drive to the clinic.

Illya pulled the van curbside as soon as they arrived and not waiting for his partner; he walked immediately into the veterinary office.

Kuryakin immediately regretted that as the waiting room was filled with a number of dogs and their owners. There was a monstrous Great Dane that promptly leapt up, pinning the Russian to the wall, while putting its paws on his shoulders.

The look of fear in his eyes was evident as he grimaced, not sure what to do. He couldn't draw his weapon here, but if it meant keeping the monster from going for his throat, then he would.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," a pretty blonde, quite petite apologized. "Down Duke, now!" She ordered the animal, and Duke complied instantly.

"He has a thing for blond hair, I guess because I'm blonde. Don't worry he's quite friendly, more like big teddy bear than a dog."

Solo walked in just as the dog finally stepped down.

"Hey partner quit messing around will you?" Wollmann let out a couple of barks, announcing his presence to the other dogs, a few...including Duke woofed their response as if to welcome him.

Napoleon walked over to the receptionist's desk, smiling at the pretty girl standing their. Admiring her for a moment."

"Hi there gorgeous," he went immediately into flirting mode and just knew Illya was behind him, rolling his eyes." And what's your name?"

"Carlotta."

"Well Carlotta we have this little problem."

"Returning patient?" She smiled shyly, fluttering her lashes at him.

"Ahh, no."

"New patient then? Just fill this out." She shoved a clipboard in front of him. "And what seems to be the problem? Awww what a cute dog...looks like Tramp, you know from that Disney cartoon."

"Not a patient Miss," Illya spoke over his partner's shoulder.

Solo held out his identification."We're here to help with the little problem…"

"Oh, Shpion. Yes your Miss Rogers is back in the kennel waiting for you. I'll show you there if you'll follow me...Mr. Solo." She was a quick study, having read his name on his ID card.

"Yes, that would be good thank you," Illya said, looking around at the dogs in the waiting room, swearing they were hungrily eyeing him.

They followed her along a long corridor leading to the kennel in the back of the building. "And the dog is with you because…?"

"He's part bloodhound and is going to help us sniff out the missing kitty," Napoleon answered.

"This is so embarrassing," she said."We've never lost a patient like this before."

"I am sure you will get over it," Illya snarked.

She looked at him rather strangely as she opened the door.

"So, maybe when we're finished here we could go get a cup of coffee?" Napoleon whispered to her.

"I could manage that sure. Hope you find him quickly. Doctor is pretty embarrassed about this whole thing."

" _Ahem,"_ Illya cleared his throat none too subtly.

"See you later Carlotta," Napoleon winked to her.

"You just cannot turn it off can you?" Illya grumbled.

Standing there, looking quite perplexed was Lisa Rogers."

"Is he at it again Illya?" She asked.

"When is he not?"

"Thank goodness you're here. Mr. Waverly said he was sending help but really I didn't expect the likes of you."

"Only the best for the most important of assignments," Illya snickered. "Now where was the last place Shpion was seen?"

Lisa smiled; nothing like Kuryakin to get right down to business but then again, knowing his dislike of dogs he probably wanted to get this over as quickly as possible.

"He was left in his carry cage in exam room two with the vet, Dr. Dubowy. I was in the waiting room. The Doctor was called out to answer an important telephone call and when he returned the cat wasn't in his cage with the door to it open.

"Can we go there now and let Wollman do his job?"

"Really, Wollman's going to hunt him down? She reached out, giving the dog a pat on the head. "Good boy, you're going to get me out of hot water right?"

Wollman whined, giving her a lick on the hand.

"Yes he is," Napoleon finally spoke up.

"Is there more than one floor used by the clinic Miss Rogers?"Illya asked.

"Yes there's two more above, one is for surgery and the third floor I'm told is for supply and some boarding of the more exotic pets."

"Very well, then I will leave you to your search down here, while I concentrate on the upstairs. " Illya spotted a door conveniently marked 'stairwell' and headed straight for it, not waiting.

"Illya…" Rogers called after him but he was gone." I was just going to tell him there's an elevator down the hall."

"Lisa, you know he's not happy about being here, too many dogs. The ride over in the van though only ten minutes was so tense that you could have cut the air with a knife."

"Wollman? You're kidding? He's the nicest dog."

"Illya sees every canine as a potential killing machine, with him as their eventual target."

"Poor guy, doesn't know what he's missing out on; well at least he likes cats. Come to think of it, you don't like cats do you?" Lisa chuckled.

"No not really. Illya's cat Nina used to attack my ankles like they were her next meal."

"And now she likes you?"

"No, Illya gave her to his neighbor as he felt it was unfair to the cat since he was out of town too much. His neighbor's cat had died and well, she got along with Nina already so a problem was solved for both of them.

"Now that was really kind of him. I know he was fond of that cat."

"I understand he still gets to visit with her...and his neighbor is a really good cook, so he kills two birds with one stone."

"Ewww, a girlfriend perhaps?"

"No, I don't think Illya is into eighty year old women."

That gave Lisa a bit of a laugh.

Exam room 2 was finally freed up; Napoleon and Lisa were allowed to search it, bringing Wollman with them. The carry cage had been left there so he got a real good whiff of his feline friend's scent.

"Good boy Wolly, go find the kitty," Napoleon encouraged," Find Speedy...whatever his name is."

The dog pulled and tugged at the leash, dragging Solo around the exam room as he sniffed everywhere after burying his face in the carry case. He whined, recognizing his friend's scent. Wollman scratched at the door and as soon as it was opened he pulled Napoleon through it with Lisa in tow.

The dog whined again, stopping and sniffing cabinets and shelving in the next room that served as a lab.

"Whoa! What's this?" A man wearing a white lab coat stopped them as he nearly tripped over Wollman's outstretched leash.

"Oh Dr. Dubowy," Lisa said." This is Mr. Solo...Mr. Waverly sent him and his partner to help with the search for Shpion."

"Oh yes. I'm so sorry Mr. Solo. We've never misplaced a patient before," the doctor withdrew his hand from his lab coat pocket; Napoleon assumed to shake his hand.

The doctor had what looked like a guinea pig in his palm."Oh sorry, just keeping Wilbur warm." He transferred the animal to his other hand, before reaching out to Solo and greeting him.

Napoleon was hard pressed not to scrunch up his face."Well, yes I guess these things happen. As long as we find the little beast safe and sound, that's what counts. Say you don't have snakes around this place do you?"

"Not down here, we keep them up on the third floor as most people are uncomfortable around them. We do quite a bit of work for Ringling Brothers. So this is your partner Mr. Solo?" Dr. Dubowy offered his hand for Wollman to take a sniff.

"Partner? Oh no. My partner Mr. Kuryakin, is searching upstairs. You can't miss him, shaggy blond hair, looks sort of intense."

"Napoleon," Lisa giggled," that could describe a golden retriever you know."

"Yeah, well my partner is quite human...sometimes. I assure you Doctor."

"Well if you'll excuse me Mr. Solo, Miss Rogers, I have some patients to attend to. I'm sure you'll find the cat, and I appreciate you coming down to help us out in a bind. Needless to say I will be owing Mr. Waverly a profuse apology and some free veterinary services for this mistake."

Dubowy walked away, snuggling Wilbur to his nose. The animal let out some very chirps and what sounded like a purr as it and the doctor disappeared into the examination room.

Illya, searched to no avail around the surgical suite on the second floor; impressed at the level of sophistication of the equipment.

He circled several times, peering into every nook and cranny. " _Shpion._..psss psss psss. _Zdes' kotenok, kotenok, kotenok,"_ He called to the cat in Russian. The cat had after all been named ' _Spy'_ in the Russian language and he made sure he always spoke to it in his native tongue. He thought the cat liked him, and would come out to him, especially if it were frightened at being in a strange place.

At least that's what he hoped. Cats were notorious for hiding just to spite you and took delight in a human's frustration, of that Kuryakin was sure of. Shpion had that evil little personality twist despite being quite a nice cat.

He supposed that was part of the reason why he was named 'Spy.'

Illya finally gave up, and headed up to the third floor, this time taking the elevator.

The room was dimly lit, and after he found a light switch he saw a number of plastic tubs on some shelves on the far wall. Suddenly his eyes caught some movement.

"Shpion, is that you. Come here kitty? Psss pssss pssss." He called out. Illya walked over to the bin, moving it he saw something completely unexpected. He took one giant step backwards, and nearly jumped out of his skin when his communicator chirped. He pulled it from his pocket, quickly assembling it and answering.

"Kuryakin here."

"Illya any luck?"

"None. I take it by your question that you have had no luck either."

"That's an affirmative. Oh by the way, be careful when you go to the third floor. Apparently they keep snakes up there."

"A little late on the warning as I am staring at a rather large one as we speak, it it is a fair sized boa constrictor. From the bulge in its body I would say it ate recently...I hope it was not Shpion."

"Hold on a second."

Solo returned moments later."That snake is called Samaritana and apparently she was just fed, so wasn't the cat. They let her wander around after feeding time, apparently it's good for her digestion. She belongs to the Ringling Circus."

"Lovely. I will continue my search. Napoleon, cats are notorious for hiding in plain sight, so do not overlook the obvious."

"Check. Solo out."

Illya continued wandering through the third floor but it was in vain and he returned downstairs finding Napoleon and Lisa were in the same boat.

"Oh my God! "Miss Rogers, Mr. Solo and whoever you are," Carlotta shouted down the hall to them. "Come quick! We found him! He's in exam room three, but how he got there we have no idea!"

They all rushed into the room finding Dr. Dubowy talking to the sink at the workstation. Surrounding it were jars containing cotton balls, swabs, and bottles of solution.

Peering just over the edge of the stainless steel sink were a pair of wide eyes and a furry face."

"That's one pissed cat," the vet said. "We'll have to get a special pair of gloves to pick him up. Easy there Shpion."

The cat began to wail, and is sounded as if it started all the way down from the tip of his tail. He then hissed, spitting at the vet.

"Doctor?" Illya said.

"Illya let him get the cat," Napoleon said.

"No. Doctor Dubowy?"

"Yes? Oh you must be the partner."

"Yes I am 'the partner'..."Illya suddenly felt miffed as that was the second time he hadn't been introduced. "Doctor, that is not Shpion."

"What do you mean, of course it is Illya." Napoleon said.

"He's right," Lisa chimed in."That's not our cat. Shpion is grey. That's long haired tabby."

Carlotta rushed into the room."Doctor I'm so sorry. Mrs. Biedermann brought her cat in here by mistake. Come on kitty, let's get you back to your mommy."

"I wouldn't go near him if I were you," the vet cautioned.

"No he's fine. Come on Mr. Snuggles, it's all right. Who's a good boy?" Carlotta used baby talk.

An older woman poked her head in the doorway.

"Och mein Gott, did I put meine Schnitzel Shnuggles in ze wrong room? I'm so sorry."

Carlotta scooped up Mr. Snuggles and put him into his owners waiting arms, leaving the doctor and the others speechless.

"I take it none of you have had any luck finding the right cat?" Dr. Dubowy said. "What's that tobacco that Alexander smokes again?" He was a long time acquaintance of Waverly as they belonged to the same club.

"Isle of Dogs No. 22," Lisa quickly answered.

"Here," the vet pulled a twenty dollar bill from his wallet."It won't make up for this mess, but buy him some of his tobacco from me?"

Rogers accepted it with a nod of her head.

"Napoleon shrugged."I guess we need to make another sweep of the entire..."

The chirp of his communicator interrupted his thought, and he quickly pulled it, stepping out of the exam room.

"Excuse us Doctor...Solo here."

"Napoleon it's Wanda. Mr. Waverly wants you all to return to headquarters immediately."

"Emergency?"

"No good news. The cat is here."

"What?"

"He wandered into the tailor shop and Del brought him inside."

"Well son of a gun," Napoleon muttered.

"I would venture a guess that Shpion found his way home," Illya said. "Another thing they are quite good at."

"Hey Illya, look down at your feet," Solo was suddenly grinning.

Sitting patiently beside Kuryakin was Wollman. The Russian froze.

"Will you look at that tovarisch? And he didn't even try to eat you."

"Not yet,"Illya spoke out of the side of his mouth.

"Oh stop it ya big chicken," Lisa giggled. "Give him this and he'll be your friend for life." She reached over with a dog biscuit. "Now you wait Wolly. Illya's going to give you a treat. Just hold it out for him and say...okay."

"Must I?"

"Oh go on!" Napoleon insisted."Would I put you in danger...no don't answer that. Illya he's not going to hurt you."

Kuryakin finally accepted the biscuit and did as he was instructed. Wollman took the treat from his hand is if it were made of delicate crystal.

"Are you happy now? May we go? Mr. Waverly is waiting for us."

"See, told you so," Napoleon grinned.

As Solo turned his back to his partner, Illya stuck his tongue out at him.

"I saw that," Lisa whispered before she giggled like a kid.

* ref to my stories "Nina", "Lucky," and "A Snowy Day Surprise"

Special thanks to otherhawk for the use of Shpion the cat.


End file.
